Road Diary Musings

It's deep into Day 5 on my first of several large road trips I'll have to do in the process of gathering a team of committed supporters to fund the ministry I serve for next year. Above all, the great highlight has been the chance to reconnect with friends whom I would likely otherwise fall out of touch with. Some of these friends are married, some are engaged, and some have just taken the step of buying their own house. I do myself a disservice if I slip into comparison, or begin to heed the distracting voice that tempts me to ask, "What if?" Surely there are great sacrifices involved in depending on the generosity of others for your livelihood, but it brings me great joy to model a deep commitment to our relationships and an investment in a trust-based accountability partnership.

My journeys have brought me from my burning hot posting in Sacramento through the Bay Area to Carmel, back into the furnace to my future home of Fresno, down to Los Angeles and out to where I write this in a coffee shop near Chino, in the Inland Empire. Though some of these places are more exciting than others (I'll let you guess which ones), each encounter brings with it the chance to boldly cut against the grain of our culture that tells me my worth is counted in my ability to provide for myself and be totally independent. The Kingdom of God, however, we see is built upon the interdependent image of a body. Better yet, it is a growing organism, a tree, with fruit borne out of the effort of the whole to cooperate and provide for each new season.

What are the fruits of this season? I think I have an idea.

1. A committed attention to maintaining healthy relationships

I've already touched on this, but I think relationships rarely have the chance to grow beyond the economic characteristics of mutual benefits and rewards. The relationships we make in High School have little to give us when we graduate, and so these friends fall by the wayside. I am guilty of this count. Even the relationships we grow in college are threatened by new responsibilities, geography, and life stages that meet us all in different times. Again, I am unmarried, own no property, and have no commitments apart from this ministry. I can celebrate my friends who welcome their first child, but cannot identify with them. Likewise many of my friends cannot empathize with the sincerity and resolution that my vocation gives me for the next four years. This opens up a whole new dimension to our relationships, and I am challenged to recognize the gifts of my relationships across contexts, cultures, and life stages. My prayer, then, is that they can grow in discipleship as they invest their resources in my work and the will of God to provide for those I serve on campus and in the city. 

2. Meeting God in Times of Vulnerability

Whenever I have an appointment, or (more frequently) make a phone call to a prospective partner, I experience a sense of overwhelming vulnerability. It often grates against everything in my being to ask others for their money, especially at the level I need to get fully funded. I am tempted to think it violates the boundaries of our relationships and the mutual understanding that we all do our parts to stay financially responsible. I am tempted to think that our relationship will be harmed or changed in the future, and that they will avoid me in the future out of fear that I will only want to connect with them to take advantage of their own hard-earned wages. And I believe firmly that this is an ensnaring lie that I must prophetically, yet gently, confront in the lives of my partners. As I hang up the phone or walk away from a meeting, this sense of nakedness is sometimes overwhelming, and I try to do my best to escape the feeling. Lately, however, I have heeded the gentle voice of the Spirit which asks me to sit with it. "Karl," he asks, "Do not fear this moment. You are loved. I am pleased with you. Let that be enough. Do not worry that [insert name] said 'No.' You have said yes to me, thus I will not deny you what you so faithfully ask in the silence of your heart and through your actions." Though the feelings don't always change right away, I learn to feast on this new dimension of prayer that opens up, one totally dependent on the provision of the Lord to meet me in the midst of my powerlessness. I don't think I would have the chance to experience this without doing what I am. 

3. Opportunities to reflect and invest in my own spiritual journey

Since many of my meetings and appointments are spaced days apart in cities hundreds of miles from each other, I've had frequent chances to think, reflect, pray, and generally remain in solitude. I enjoy the freedom to listen to a collection of good music (my playlist for this trip includes TV on the Radio, Beach House, Alicia Keys, John Legend, and the National) or a good program on NPR when I'm near the city. Still more important are those chances to slow down and write in many random places, be it a beach in Carmel or a city park in Orange County. Today, I had the chance to attend daily mass at the stunning Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels in downtown LA. The soaring modern architecture and tapestries depicting saints alongside a multiethnic community of faith always impress and awe me, but today I had the chance to let the Lord speak to me in a different way.

After mass I walked to the north side of the building where a series of small chapels breaks off from the main ambulatory. A sculpture caught my eye depicting Joseph taking a break from his work in carpentry to embrace the child Jesus, arms outstretched. This image, so rare and separate from our imagination, is a beautiful and moving picture of our relationship with Jesus. Not only does this speak powerfully to our humanity when it comes to the incarnation, but it presents the image of divinity as one of mutual dependence. Just as Jesus needed Joseph to provide for his physical safety and basic needs, so too does God step down into our world to ask us to provide for him too. After all, the ultimate picture of power in our cosmos was enacted through the cross: total surrender, total sacrifice, and total submission. This is a challenge to my faith as I take this journey to cultivate the resources that this mission requires. It also challenges our typical consumeristic view of religion. Will I trust that the cross will work in my life with each ask I make, with each no I say to the temptations of material independence and financial security? Or will I allow this shadow to die as I yield in mutual submission to my Savior who already gave everything for me? I pray that we are all challenged as a pilgrim people given so much wealth, influence, and power to shape our world for the better. Lord, open our eyes. Increase our faith. We trust in You, just as you surely trust in us!